WCXX

Well, this is a new experience! Starting the New Year writing in a diary. (And not having a hangover – not for the want of trying, mind you. I swear that new care-homemanager, Mrs Sharples, waters down the advocaat.) I haven't kept a diary since I was a little girl. It was a present from Joan. Still, I suppose it's better than last year's diary. That was already filled in by a couple called Anne and Frank. A bit weird, two people writing in the same diary, if you ask me.

Joan writes:

Pleased to see that Bridget's actually using the diary I got her for Christmas. I knew it was a good idea. Time she got her thoughts and her life in order. Don't know where I'd be without this one of mine. Though she shouldn't leave it just lying around for anyone to read. I always keep mine securely locked in my bedside cabinet. I should tell Bridget to do the same… although, actually, I might not. Just in case. Suppose I should be glad she's using it at all. I don't think she even looked at that copy of Anne Frank's Diary that I got her last year.

WEDNESDAY 2ND JANUARY

What a lovely time at the day centre with Joan. Had a little sing-song and fish and chips for tea. My favourite! Shame I lost my teeth.

Awful time at the day centre with Bridget. She insisted on singing. Had to turn my hearing aid off. Cheered myself up by hiding her teeth.

THURSDAY JANUARY 3RD

I think I'll make a nice cup of tea for me and Joan. I just need to find the sugar. And the milk. And the cups. I like my tea like I like my men. Strong, sweet and dark.

I like my tea like I like my men too. Still warm.

FRIDAY JANUARY 4TH

Went to the January sales today! It was lovely, just like the Blitz all over again. Sat around for hours, me entertaining everyone with my specially extended wartime medley. For once, Joan encouraged me. She reckoned my singing was making the queue shorter. When the doors finally opened, I rushed straight in. Joan says you need a strategy for these kinds of things – she reckons it's best to make a list of the things you need and stick to it. I say, where's the fun in that? Life's for living as far as I'm concerned. I like to take in the atmosphere and really enjoy myself. Plus, as I keep reminding her, you can use one of those little plastic cards these days so you're not actually spending any money. I've got loads of them.

That's it. That's the last time I go to the sales with Bridget. It was like the Blitz all over again. Bridget was like A doodlebug, whizzing around the place causing mayhem and destruction. I told her that you have to approach these things with a clear plan but does she listen to me? Goodness only knows what she's bought. And how much it all cost! I, on the other hand, restricted myself to just the one purchase: a nice, sensible cardigan like the one Gloria Hunniford wears in the life-insurance commercial. But without the free pen.

Saturday JANUARY 5th

Twelfth Night tonight. Everyone else insists it's tomorrow – something to do with Jesus – but we always took the decorations down on the fifth when I was a little girl and you can't take any chances with this kind of thing. Well, if nobody's going to help I suppose I'll just have to do it on my own. And if I have to eat all the remaining chocolate baubles myself, that's just the price I'll have to pay.

6.30 p.m. Bridget got it into her head that we had to take down all the Christmas decorations tonight or we'd go to hell. There's no arguing with her when she's in that mood so, for a quiet life, I went off to borrow Mr Gooch's telescopic ladder. I'm not entirely sure why he's got a telescopic ladder. Or those night-vision goggles, for that matter. He claims he's in the local neighbourhood watch but I have it on good authority that he was suspended last year for being 'a little too observant'. Anyway, my back was turned for just five minutes and Bridget was there on the windowsill in her chiffon nightdress and tartan slippers, trying to grab the end of a crêpe-paper garland and wobbling like a bowlful of jelly. Luckily, Father O'Brien was in giving the last rites to Mrs Mountjoy, so I got him to keep an eye on Bridget while I fetched a duvet to catch her in. Eventually I managed to find a king-size one and braced myself…

SUNDAY JANUARY 6TH

Went to visit Joan in hospital today. Took a few things to cheer her up.

Grapes – 1 bunch

Lucozade – 1 bottle

Take a Break magazine – 1

Thanks from Joan for the above – zero

Things Bridget brought into hospital to 'cheer me up':

Grapes – zero (Bridget ate them all)

Lucozade – 1 sip (Bridget drank the rest)

Take a Break magazine – 1 (I prefer the Racing Post)

Bridget's flirts with doctor – 5

MONDAY JANUARY 7th

Joan came out of hospital today so I created a special 'welcome home' dance especially for her. I based it loosely on Gypsy Rose Lee. She was so overcome she had to go for a lie down.

The other residents didn't seem to enjoy Bridget dancing around the lounge in her knickers but I thought she was hysterical. That's why I slapped her.

TUESDAY JANUARY 8th

I woke up this morning to a magical winter wonderland! I was so excited that I dashed straight out into the garden after breakfast. I'm going to build a special snow sculpture of Joan to show her how much her friendship means to me.

Temperature – invigorating!

Vest – lacy

Cardigans – zero (so frumpy)

Fun level – 10/10 (v good)

Bridget just tramped slush all over my carpet. She said she wanted to make a 'Snowjoan' but there wasn't enough snow. I said she'd make a good snow angel. All she needed to do was lie down and wait for hypothermia to set in.

Temperature – -2 degrees Celsius (28.4 degrees Fahrenheit)

Vest – thermal

Cardigans – several

Fun level – -2

WEDNESDAY JANUARY 9th

Just a slice of toast for tea today. I do like cottage pie but these days it always seems to give me the runs, so Joan had mine.

Poor Bridget. She thinks cottage pie gives her the runs. She's no idea I put laxatives in her tea. Still, waste not want not.

THURSDAY JANUARY 10TH

Had a lovely trip to the supermarket with Joan.

Sherry – 5 bottles

Luxury Belgian triple-chocolate macaroons – 4 packets

Number of times fell into chest freezer – 3

Had a stressful trip to the supermarket with Bridget.

Teabags – 160

Value custard creams – 1 packet

Number of displays knocked over by Bridget's trolley – 3

Number of items Bridget attempted to purchase at '6 items or less' checkout – 38

Number of pennies Bridget used to pay for shopping – 649

Number of times retrieved Bridget from chest freezer – 2

FRIDAY JANUARY 11TH

Poor Mr Sargent's funeral today. What a shock. One minute he's a vibrant, virile, medically assisted gentleman, the next he's entirely rigid. They reckon it was his heart. That only leaves Mr Gooch now. Slim pickings for a woman in the prime of her life. The only glint in his eye is his astigmatism. At least Joan's happy. As social occasions go, funerals are her favourite. And she doesn't have to buy any newclothes, as all hers are black already.

Ham sandwiches consumed – 2

Sherries, small – 1

Compliments about my cheerful red dress – 3

Mr Sargent's funeral this morning. I do like a good funeral. Far better class of sandwich. The poor soul would have been 100 – if he'd lived another twelve years. Apparently he asked to be scattered over the place where he spent his happiest moments – but Bridget wasn't keen on having ash all over her duvet.

Ham sandwiches consumed by Bridget – 11

Sherries consumed by Bridget – 8

Disapproving looks at Bridget's red dress – several

SUNDAY JANUARY 13th

What a wonderful day. I don't know exactly where I am but I feel like I've been walking for miles! Poor Joan must be struggling to keep up – I wonder where she can have got to? Oh well, I'd better keep going…

What a wonderful day. Enjoying a lovely, peaceful Sunday lunch in the Pig and Whistle. I must remember to pick Bridget up from IKEA when I'm done.

Extracted from Bridget and Joan's Diary: Mad about the Toy Boy (Oneworld Publications), a parody by Bridget Golightly and Joan Hardcastle published on October 10. Copies can be pre-ordered from Telegraph Books for £9.99 (plus £1.10 p&p) or call 0844 871 1514.